Sleep for twelve hours, and dream about home.

I was dreaming of taking inventory when I was awoken this morning by the awaited-for call. I was asked for a list of references, told I was their first choice at this point, and asked if I was pretty sure I wanted to come and how long I’d need to decide. I said one day.

I’ve been confused — cycling through emotions. Had this offer come one month ago, I would be ecstatic. Boulder refreshed me and made me feel happy and hopeful about life in the mountains. I had plans. D.C. is a big risk, insecure and without promises, not even particularly friendly. But this is a career step. It’s research for a respectable and well-known organization, whose materials I used for my thesis. And it’s only ten weeks or so.

So I’ve realized that if it’s offered, I’m going to say yes. I feel oddly terrified and a little depressed inside, like I’ve broken up with someone, or something. But I need to try D.C., if only because I’ve been working toward it for months, if not years. Trying is scrappy. If I cry myself to sleep every night, I’ll go to Colorado in a couple months. If I love it to death, I’ll stay.

It has some of my best friends, all the political happenings, tons of young people, an explosion of culture. Superior Ethiopian food, according to a friend. Easily walkable streets and a good metro system. And (I assume) more international organizations than any other city in the country. It’s not a bad place to be.

I still feel odd. It is customary of me to receive good news and have a big, weepy crisis. I cried for two hours straight the first night before I flew to New York for an interview in the summer. I thought it was over the prospect of leaving my boyfriend at the time, but in retrospect I think there was a great deal of fear of the unknown mixed in there, too.

No two-hour sobfests this time, but some major feelings of conflict. Medicated with Enya and tea and fiction and the decision to just relax a bit. After all, I could fall from “first choice” quite easily, particularly if he caught my hesitancy to immediately accept. This could all be for naught.

I still fear icebergs but I have to make choices; I do what I can and drink my tea and try to get some rest and dream about home, whatever that is.

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