I’m craving purple clothing and Indian food. It’s 90+ degrees every day & I have some kind of sunburn, somewhere, at any point in time (currently: tops of hands, part in scalp, and tops of knees). I managed to outrun the Clouds of Despair a few weeks ago but am not sure when they’ll be back — now my anxiety is flexible, occasional, aware of its own aimlessness. I currently have the following tabs open:
- Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy website
- CFR Current Openings
- Boulder publishing-related job from Indeed
- Denver publishing-related job from Indeed
- Picture of Sagittarius constellation
This, I think, is a good demonstration of where my brain is currently: everywhere & nowhere. Everywhere superficially, nowhere substantially. I flit around. I’m a bit of paper, flying in the breeze. My motivation is misplaced, confused, in hibernation. Every once in a while I apply for a handful of jobs in a quick stint, and then shrink away for a few days, like it was something traumatizing. I read bits of the paper. I read six books at a time, ten pages at a time.
I am neither distinctly happy nor unhappy. If I had to choose, though, I’d say I’m closer to happy as of late. I will have to figure out a way to be productive & manage ambient stress. Maybe the latter before the former, even. But I see that life continues, and my level of impatience doesn’t necessarily dictate where I’m going to be or what I’ll be doing. It’s largely out of my hands. So, in the meantime, it’s absorbing the summer and watching the rain.
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